


A human connection

by bloodandcream



Series: Ship all the Ships [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff and Angst, Human Castiel, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 05:45:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2218005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodandcream/pseuds/bloodandcream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel felt cold against the concrete of the floor and walls, the wood of the shelf. He scooted out from his little nook to sit closer to Kevin along the wall, Kevin was warm. It was nothing he’d ever had to think about before, something as simple as body heat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A human connection

Castiel curled tighter in on himself, knees tucked up to his chest and arms wrapped around. He was wedged between a bookshelf and a wall in one of the numerous storage rooms the bunker had for more obscure relics and books and all manner of mysterious items. Castiel was not supposed to be there. He had told Dean that he would leave, without a fuss, after the rather stilted and strange conversation they had. Castiel couldn’t quite read between the lines, but he knew there were volumes of unspoken things hiding there.

It didn’t really matter. Dean and Sam had enough problems without Castiel bringing even more heavenly wrath down on them.

He could steal one night here though, he felt justified in that. Castiel was just tired of having to expend so much energy and time in finding basic shelter, in finding food to put in his belly that wouldn’t be retched back up for the mold and rot. One night, a purloined sandwich and bottle of liquor, that was all he’d take. He’d taken enough from the Winchesters.

Castiel had thought that liquor was supposed to help these sorts of problems. It’s what Dean always did. He was taking too much after Dean, he thought sometimes. But when he was making his sandwich in the kitchen, looking over his shoulder, he had found a half empty bottle of amber liquid and tucked it into his ratty hoodie.

No one needed to know he was here, most of these storage rooms were still coated in dust, used when needed for desperate research. One room had almost been picked over and catalogued, it was fairly clean. Castiel figured Sam might be working his way through and trying to make up an inventory. So he tucked himself away in the dirtiest storage room he could find.

His sandwich was long gone. And the liquor was on it’s way. It wasn’t making him happier though. When he had gotten drunk a few times as an angel, it had made it easier to feel things. He figured that angels simply experienced intoxication different than humans. But it was the same thing now, only more intense. He was feeling everything he had been feeling but stronger, more chaotically. He didn’t like it much, but he kept taking small sips, hoping it could at least help him sleep.

A light flicked on in the storage room, and Castiel startled to hear the heavy door swinging on it’s hinges. Someone was shuffling and murmuring to themselves, shifting objects around on the shelves. Castiel couldn’t make out words, but it wasn’t Sam or Dean, it was Kevin. He didn’t think Kevin was here, the young man didn’t come out earlier, but perhaps he was still absorbed in studying and transcribing. He was an excellent prophet, intelligent, strong, capable. Castiel hadn’t used to think about it, but, it was really a shame that serving God’s word had taken so much from the young man. Maybe it’s because Castiel used to think that Kevin would be given much in return, but he knew better now.

No matter how hard they tried and for what purpose they served, there would be no peace or joy.

Castiel remained quietly tucked in his little corner hoping Kevin would pass him by, but he was not so lucky. The prophet rounded a row of shelves and was distractedly looking for something on them when he tripped backwards on himself, having spotted Castiel.

"Dude, what the hell!"

"I’m sorry to startle you."

"What. That’s all right. But. What are you doing down here?"

"Spending the night. I know Dean wanted me out sooner rather than later, but, I figured one night wouldn’t harm."

“No, I mean like, why aren’t you in one of the bedrooms.”

"Oh. Well, Dean doesn’t know I’m staying for another night."

"He kicked you out or something?"

Kevin looked confused, but Castiel doubted the young man could be as much as he was himself.

"Something like that yes."

"Why?"

Castiel shrugged, he didn’t really have an answer. Not the correct one.

"I would only bring trouble, and Sam is vulnerable right now."

“That sucks.”

Castiel was still sitting on the floor, but he relaxed his legs to a crossed position in front of him, taking another small sip from his bottle.

"Are you drinking?"

"Yes."

"Man, you’ve been hanging around Dean too much."

"I have been."

Castiel thought that Kevin might find what he came looking for and leave, might even tell Dean, but instead the young man leaned against the wall and sank down, legs half folded in front of him.

"I’m sorry Kevin."

“For what?”

"For everything that’s befallen you in the name of my Father."

"That’s nothing you have to be sorry for, it’s not like it’s your fault."

"It’s heaven’s fault. I used to be an instrument of heaven. It’s my fault by association, at least in part."

Kevin just waved him off, reaching over and taking the bottle from Castiel’s hold. He took a deep sip, and passed it back.

"So you’re just sitting here in the dark drinking thinking about all your mistakes and being mopey?"

Castiel squinted at him, thinking about it, drinking.

"Yes."

"That’s just sad man. Come on, you’re newly human right? There are interesting things about being human. What do you like best so far?"

Castiel paused to give weight to all the overwhelming and interesting things about being human so far. The first thoughts in his mind were of hunger, cold, exhaustion, worry, struggle. But he thought also of the kindness of others, of the way flowers smelled now, how warm the sun was on his skin. They were all such small things but he didn’t have much. Then Castiel thought of April, and how sweet it was before the morning to find someone that wanted to tend his wounds and hold him in her arms. And Castiel knew that sex was an obsession for many humans, something relatable.

"The sex was nice."

Kevin made an odd choking noise, looking at him wide eyed.

"You’ve been human for how many weeks and you’re already getting laid, and I’ve been human for twenty one years and I’ve never….. that is so not fair."

"If it makes you feel any better she tried to kill me in the morning."

"What?!"

"She was actually a reaper paid to get information on Metatron’s spell from me, and she was using intercourse as a means to lower my guard. Having failed that, she tortured and tried to kill me."

"That’s… that’s really rough man."

Kevin took the bottle from him, and they fell into a rhythm of sip, pass, talk.

"It was nice for one night though. Despite how illusory it was, how transient. She fed me, bandaged a wound I had, gave me warmth and a place to rest."

Kevin scrutinized him carefully, keen and perceptive.

"It wasn’t the sex you liked so much, it was the company."

Castiel nodded. “That’s correct.”

"Then don’t say it was the sex. Too many people get that confused."

“What do you mean?”

"Wanting comfort, touch, companionship, you don’t need to have sex with someone for that. People are pressured to, they think that’s how it’s supposed to be. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s normal to just want to be close to someone."

Castiel smiled. “You are very wise for your years Kevin.”

The young man just shrugged and looked away.

"It’s actually kind of interesting, there’s been a lot of studies on the effects of touch deprecation in early development and how it impacts animals psychologically and changes their natural behavior. There were these studies done by this guy Harlow on baby monkey’s who were given either soft puppets or wire contraptions for surrogate mothers, right, and they studied the monkey’s development and ability to interact with peer’s or react to threats."

"That’s horrible. Why would they do that to the baby monkey’s?"

"To learn from it."

"But, that’s not very nice."

"Um. Well, no, it’s really not. But it’s interesting."

Castiel frowned and paid more attention to the bottle they were nursing that was almost empty by now. He was perhaps not as drunk as the time he’d imbibed the contents of almost an entire liquor store. But he was uncomfortable and his thoughts kept moving around too fast for him to keep up with them.

They fell into an awkward silence, still sharing the liquor, Kevin tracing patterns in the dust on the floor next to him. Suddenly, he burst out laughing.

“Do you remember, the first time we met you called me a potato.”

Castiel smiled at that, “Yes, I do. I was not in my right mind. But, I am beginning to doubt I have a right mind.”

“Do any of us?”

Castiel only shrugged in response to that. Humans placed much meaning on their identities, and he was beginning to understand a need for some sense of solidity in the world. When all he had was himself, knowing who he was had become more important. He wasn’t able to figure that out, not yet at least. Castiel had been many things, there were quite a few he regretted and quite a few he felt were false now in retrospection.

The bottle was empty by now, and Kevin was peeling the label carefully off, fiddling with the paper.

"So what was it like, I mean, you kind of have a different perspective on all this stuff, and I’m just, you know, curious."

“Do you mean intercourse?”

“Uh…. maybe. It feels weird talking about this with an angel.”

“I’m not an angel anymore.”

“Sorry, yeah, but …. what was it like for you, really, not the sex part but the….other stuff.”

" Like you had said, it wasn’t so much the aspect of sexual arousal and release that was most rewarding. It was the connection. I knew… it couldn’t really be something very deep or profound, I had only known her a few hours. But it still felt like a kind of connection.”

Castiel squinted at a little statue on the shelf opposite him it looked like it might have been lustrous and beautiful at one point but it was tarnished, neglected.

“ I used to be able to feel people’s presences, see their souls, I used to know people with a single touch. I …. I don’t hear my brothers anymore, I can’t communicate intimately on that profound level I used to. It’s just, quiet. Everything is so separate, outside of my body. And it was like a different sort of communication, existing with someone on that level however briefly, but together.”

"Wow."

"I think, I was just lonely."

"I can understand that. I don’t really get out much, obviously, the two people I see most are Sam and Dean. And that, yeah, weird, that would be weird."

"I’ll admit I have had thoughts about Dean in that capacity."

"You have?"

"Yes."

"But…. why?"

"I knew him intimately when I touched his soul and created him new again. I’d always had a profound bond with him."

"And you don’t anymore."

“I’m not sure. Things change.”

"Yeah, you’re telling me."

Castiel felt cold against the concrete of the floor and walls, the wood of the shelf. He scooted out from his little nook to sit closer to Kevin along the wall, Kevin was warm. It was nothing he’d ever had to think about before, something as simple as body heat.

Kevin sighed heavily, setting the bottle and it’s torn label aside, shifting a little closer to Castiel. “Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever be able to really connect with normal people anymore. I think, when this is all over - if it’s ever over - I’m just going to be that crazy hermit in the woods that parent’s warn their children about, ranting about angels and demons.”

"There are plenty of people who aren’t normal that you can be not normal with."

"Yeah, because hanging out with hunters the rest of my life sounds like fun."

Castiel frowned, staying silent, he didn’t have anything useful to tell Kevin about being human, about being human with other humans. At least his thoughts were in a slightly better, albeit fuzzier, place at the moment. He felt Kevin leaning closer, a head resting on his shoulder, and Castiel turned into it, lifting his arm to circle around Kevin’s shoulders while the young man tilted into his lap.

"What are we doing Kevin?"

"I just….. wanted to share a little warmth with someone not normal."

Castiel looked down to see Kevin looking back up at him. He was so young for how much had been placed on his shoulders, and Castiel felt they should be stooped under the weight but Kevin had strong shoulders, a proud back. Castiel bent forward, and Kevin tipped his head back. The kiss was only light and innocent before Kevin started giggling.

"Your beard tickles."

"My apologies."

"It’s all right."

"Will you stay here and keep my company tonight?"

"Yeah."

Kevin curled into his lap more, small and slim, arms circling his chest and feet slung sideways across his legs. It was warm and comfortable despite the hardness of the concrete they sat on. The light was still on but Castiel didn’t mind enough to stand and turn it off. Running a hand up and down the curve of Kevin’s back, Castiel rested his head on top of the other’s, folding himself around Kevin, keeping him close. It was a connection of sorts, perhaps brief and fragile, but that was the nature of human connection.


End file.
